The last 2 weeks have been a blur of emotions, weddings, doctor appointments, neglected children...I feel as if I don't document it, then it never happened & it was all for naught...wasted.
It all started with a doctor appointment that would change the course of the journey in a very real way. The tumors have grown, Husband has 2-3 months before the tumor pushes his small intestine completely closed. Chemotherapy is his only chance at giving him more time-we need more time. He signs consent forms giving them permission to start treatment as soon as insurance clears.
I'm committed to help coordinate a wedding...baby has an allergic reaction to milk & becomes sick...2 full days of sitters, putting children here & there as I help create the day of her dreams...dreams & wishes are carried out in the midst of a blustery, cold to the bone, rainy day. Warm, salty tears weren't noticed as the bone chilling rain came pouring down intermittently...
The Dr. calls. Chemotherapy starts Wednesday. We mentally prepare ourselves for the side affects that come with chemo. Fatigue. Nausea. Skin irritations. Hair loss. Decrease in white & red blood cells.
My mind is spinning. Will Husband be able to continue to work? Will he have enough energy to keep up with the 5 littles? Will his quality of life be the same after chemo?
Wednesday comes too soon...Husband sits in a stiff- backed, cold, plastic recliner while potent drugs are pumped through his veins. Grabbing a hold of tumors, shrinking to give him more time...I pray.
3 days, of the 5 littles being put to sitters while I sit beside Husband, praying for time, so much more time. Praying for no side affects, no suffering.
We make it through 3 days of doctor appointments, Bio therapy & chemotherapy.
No time to breathe. There are things that need done. Food needs ordered & prepped for a fund raising meal that will help off-set medical expenses...
It feels as if the littles have bickered for days, the babies can't sleep-mama & daddy try for hours to get babies to sleep. All they need is to be loved on. It's hard to give love when there is nothing left to give. We are physically & emotionally spent.
Food is prepped, we are ready.
I take the littles home & I hold them, taking a few moments with each one as I tuck them in to get some much needed rest, much needed time at home, much needed love & attention from mama.
As I lay with the tiniest little, he fights sleep, scared that mama won't be there when he wakes. He takes my hand in his, holding tightly till sleep finally takes him. Blessed rest comes, hours...days of stress finally melt away & sleep comes. It will be okay.
Twenty-four hours...then forty-eight hours after chemo have passed. No side affects. God answers our prayers.
Cancer doesn't just affect the individual, cancer affects the whole family...friends.
We need your continued prayers. For mental, physical & spiritual strength, to endure the ride this journey has taken us on.
Someday, it will all be okay again...someday.
