I sit here, staring at my computer screen thinking, am I really going to put my thoughts here for all to see? The answer is yes, I don't believe in always posting the good days, the days where we have been blessed beyond words, where things go right and good! Because they aren't always, some days are dark, overwhelming & I get so frustrated & angry.
When we found out Andy had cancer, there was never any doubt that he would be healed, but this emotional roller coaster was never supposed to be part of the journey & sometimes it doesn't even directly involve the journey. There are days when I feel as if I'm constantly treading water, barely able to keep my head above the waves that come crashing in. On some of those same days I sometimes wonder, how would it feel to just stop treading, to sink into an oblivion of nothing.
This past week there were many days like this. Not only are we still adjusting to a new way of life that brings many changes, but dear little man is teething like nothing I've ever seen before. Four days of holding my baby, as I listened to him cry, feeling completely helpless as I try yet another thing to ease his pain. Nothing seems to work so I hold him a little tighter, crying-praying with him that I could somehow take the pain for him as he vomits due to the extreme pain he is in. Those 4oz. of warm milk that I tried so hard to get him to drink, all coming back up & I wonder how his little body, so much smaller than most his age can possibly afford to lose more weight.
In the darkest of those moments, God sends people to bring comfort.
I got a text message awhile back that I just skimmed over a little bit, but today I took the time to really read it Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding. He gives power to the weak & strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak & tired & young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run & not grow weary. They will walk & not faint...He really does understand the way that I feel, it's ok to get frustrated with the journey, it's ok to get angry at the circumstances, it's ok to feel like you don't want to go on, as long as I take those feelings to God, give them to the One person who understands every trial I am going through. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I sometimes take those feelings out on the people around me, the ones I love the most, instead of giving it to God, & it's not pretty. I am ever so grateful that my family offers grace in those times. Thankful that I have a forgiving Father who reaches out & embraces the ugly & reminds me again that I'm not perfect,(and don't have to be)but I am forgiven.
And I am beyond grateful for those times that you all have listened to that still small voice & have given notes, cards text messages, meals & a helping hand reminding me that we are not alone on this journey. Bless you for caring!